Dear Friends,
One afternoon when my four-year-old son, Ben, and I were walking home from nursery school, he turned to me and said, “Mommy, I learned something today: “Want a friend, be a friend.”
That line has been stuck in my head for 35 years. I think about it a lot. Sometimes I wonder what a friend is, exactly. Where is the dividing line between an acquaintance and a friend, and what inspires us to step over it? I watch the beautiful light in people’s faces when they talk about their dearest friends, and I enjoy imagining where that light comes from. I think about what it takes to be a good friend, and I look into myself to ask whether I’m being a good enough friend to people I care about.
Lately, I’ve been pondering the meaning and mechanics of friendship in my role as TTN’s executive director. My view of our purpose has shifted in the past year. When I was more of a newbie, I saw us as a place where women stay active and engaged with life after retiring from their jobs. And I wasn’t wrong about that. Many members have shared with me that TTN was a lifesaver in helping them make the shift from career to retirement. When we lose the daily flow that comes with most jobs, it's easy to feel adrift. Plus, we have a lot of fun at chapter events. I’m always amazed to see how many ideas members come up with for learning and personal growth, staying healthy, and getting involved in their communities.
I don’t know of any other women’s organization whose programs have the consistently high level of quality that we enjoy in the workshops and events our members create for each other. TTN programs enrich our lives. I realize now, though, that these activities aren’t an end in themselves. Their deeper purpose is to provide ways for us to connect, to get to know each other, and to gradually become friends.
Making new friends requires effort, especially as we get older. When we’re in the midst of our careers, raising kids or otherwise surrounded by people all the time, it’s easy to take connectedness for granted. We swim along like fish who don’t notice the water. But as those natural sources of connection dry up, a lot of us are shocked to find ourselves quite alone. A recent study found that the average “retired” person connects with other people for less than 90 minutes a day.
That’s not enough! Science has some pretty compelling evidence for the power of strong social relationships in maintaining the health of our brains and bodies. We live longer if we have a strong network of friends. But friendships aren’t just about our physical health. Studies show that women, especially, are programmed for connection. We are much happier when we have friends we can count on in good times and bad.
The internet is crowded with stuff about friendship. I found an amusing academic definition of friendship as “voluntary interdependence.” On the other end of the spectrum are saccharine quotes for sale on coffee mugs, T-shirts and wall plaques. Here’s a definition from Urban Dictionary that I kind of like because it's about how friends treat each other and not just about feelings.
“A friend is someone who forgives you no matter what you do. Someone who tries to help you even when they don’t know how. A friend is someone who tells you if you’re being stupid, but who doesn’t make you feel stupid.”
We’re very fortunate if we have friends who fit that description, and it’s not easy to be that kind of friend ourselves. I, for one, am always jumping in to try to help people I love despite having no idea what I’m doing. (It doesn’t always go well, of course.) Friendship is a million little things, and even TRYING to be a friend to someone is good for us. As my son taught me many years ago, if you want a friend, you need to be a friend. It’s a two-way street.
Before I close, I want to thank the women across our 15 chapters who have been collaborating on some exciting new ways for TTN members to connect. You’ll learn more as tools and programs are rolled out throughout 2024. For now, I hope you will not only treasure your TTN friends but will also make an effort to reach out to fellow members, new and old, who might need to feel more connected today. It takes guts to initiate a connection, but if you're worried that someone won't welcome your effort, consider how you would feel if she contacted YOU. If you'd feel good about it, she probably will too. Call her.
It’s cold outside and the world feels impossibly dangerous right now. I feel very lucky to be in this warm, life-affirming community of women with you.
With affection and great respect,
Darla